Grandpa G.

I'm in NY for a few days to attend my grandfather's funeral and spend some time with family. And in a way it's been fun to remember what an amazing man he was. (And still is.)

Here's an excerpt from his obituary to illustrate:

"Walt continued his studies at the University of California, Berkley, where his thesis advisor was Nobel Laureate Glen Seaborg, and was awarded his PhD in Nuclear Chemistry in May of 1956. After completing his PhD he served in the Air Force until 1958, when he moved to Basking Ridge, NJ to work for Bell Telephone Laboratories as a member of the Technical Staff. While at Bell Labs, he did groundbreaking research in semiconductor detectors, radiation effects, and ion channeling which led to the success of the Telstar satellite. In 1976 Walt moved his family to their home in Clarksville, NY where he took a position as the Chairman of the Physics department at the University at Albany, State University of New York (much to the delight of his children who thought it was funny that a chemist would be in charge of a physics department). He also held positions as the Acting Vice President for Research and Dean of Graduate Studies, and the Director of the Center for X-Ray Optics. His favorite professional title, though, was that of Distinguished Service Professor which he was awarded in 1988. In 1998 he co-founded X-ray Optical Systems and served as the Chief Technology Officer until his death. His latest research was in collaboration with the Alzheimer's Center of Albany Medical Center."

His professional accomplishments overlap a little with the man I knew through the many, many grad students and post-doc students he nurtured and took on as a part of his extended family. (Everyone was family to grandpa and was therefore worthy of a full measure of his love.)

What I left out of the excerpt above was his childhood and early adulthood. During those early years of his life, grandpa was a sheepherder, movie stunt-man, saxophone player in a jazz band, and even worked as a tour guide in the grand canyon where he was privileged to guide Ansel Adams. Oh how I'll miss the stories about his youth!

But one of my favorite memories is one that only a very few others share. Grandpa Camp. When all of the older cousins would be dropped off for what seemed like weeks. Maybe it was. We'd have free reign of the farm, including the giant climbing tree, and would end the day by telling grandpa about all our adventures. We'd clomp around the house in his clogs. He'd take us hiking on the nature trails nearby to look for salamanders. He'd take us to campus to poke around his office and swim in the big fountain. And he'd tell stories. So many stories.

I'm going to miss those stories. And the completely unconditional love he shared with everyone he met.

Mother's Day

Going into this mother's day, I was concerned about how it would go. This last week I've been feeling very inadequate at home. Missing the things I was able to do before. Like making dinner for everyone. And kissing Ethan before he goes to bed. And keeping a semi-tidy house. And being able to just hang out with my boys instead of rushing through life.

I've been feeling bad enough that I've had to fight back tears a few times at work when I would realize what I was missing at home. And to stab my heart a little worse, Ethan's prayer last night included a plea that mom not have to go to work anymore.

So you can see how I was afraid of talks about all of the wonderful things moms do for and with their kids. I was not emotionally prepared to sit through discussions of all the things I can't fit in at the moment. Part of me was ready to go home early instead of breaking down in church.

It was a wonderful blessing to hear talks from both a sweet mother and our child-less relief society president. They both spoke about how it's not a fancy dinner, or a tidy house, that makes you a good mother. It's the time you give your children. And the sacrifices you make.

I've finished today with a renewed sense that I'm being the best mother I can right now. That sacrificing some of my household duties, and even some of my time with the boys, is what they need. They need a safe home and food in their bellies. They need medical care. They need me to be making money.

It's been a surprisingly good mother's day. The chocolates and chance to send Edward to nursery didn't hurt either :)

Working Two Jobs

I've been avoiding talking about work. Not because I don't like it, but because I'm not adjusting as well as I'd like.

The paying job is great. The people I work with are intelligent and fun to be around. I enjoy the work.

The problem is that I can't give up my mom job. (Not that I want to, but you know what I mean.) John lets me sleep in a little, so I get enough sleep. But as soon as I'm up, I'm on the job. I have a 15 hour work day. 5 days in a row. Every week.

Those of you in TX, may have noticed that I've practically fallen off of the face of the earth. I apologize. Once we hit summer and I can get a mother's helper a few days a week, or some regular playdates lined up, I promise I'll pop my head into normal life a little more often.

For now just know that work is going well. But I'm exhausted.

Edward Introduces Time Out

Edward bit me today. It was accidental, but it really hurt. So I very firmly told him "NO BITING!" and put him on the floor. How does my sixteen month old react? Does he throw a tantrum? Does he get sad little tears? No way. He stood up and walked very deliberately to Ethan's time-out spot.

After the few seconds it took me to realize what had just happened, I walked over and gave him the after time-out talk. You know. "I love you, but can't blah blah blah." He jumped up and gave me a big hug. Just like Ethan has to be able to do before he can leave time-out. Then he walked away like everything was all better.

Freaky.

This boy scares me a little. Time-outs at 16 months?? I'm not sure I'm ready to raise this child.

Naptime Sweetness

Edward rarely resembles my sweet baby anymore. He is working hard at developing his tantrum skills. Usually, I get sick of him and decide to put him down for an early nap.

The instant his door closes, the screaming stops. I hear "On, on!" Edward helps me turn on his night-light and white noise machine. Then he snuggles in while we sit down. I sing his song while my adorable boy tells me where my nose, eyes, mouth, ears, and head are. After I lay him down, I always say the same things. Today, I heard them before I could open my mouth. "Goo-nie. Uv-oo. Byeeee!"

It was so hard to not go back and give him a big hug. But I really needed those two hours without screaming, yelling, and hitting. So I just smiled as I left.

I'm glad that I still have the naptime sweetness to remind me how much I love this guy.

Talking over Ice Cream

Ethan's directorial debut!



John reciprocated. (Please ignore the mess in the background. And Ethan's horribly long hair. It's been cut. But not Edward's. I'm not ready to give up the curls.)



And because I still can't believe it, this is how John let Edward eat his dinner a few weeks ago.

Checkups

Both boys had their well-checks today. They were champs.

Edward is at 25th percentile for weight, but 50th for height. He's already leaning out some like his brother. But with John's family's genes, so he won't be as tall. The dr was again impressed by his vocabulary. We've switched to only counting words we clearly understand, but that's still 50 or 60. And he's cutting 6 teeth at once, by my last count. Needless to say, he hasn't been very pleasant lately.

Ethan is at the top of the chart for height, but at 50th percentile for weight. (Yay for his weight coming up on the charts!) Long and lean. His checkup was more through. Cognitive and developmental tests, hearing and eyesight exams. He passed all but one with flying colors. The one was his eyesight. He's at 20/30. That left eye had a hard time with two letters on the small row. Not a worry at all right now, but he'll get glasses in a few years, I'm sure. Obnoxious genetics.

Ethan also got a prescription for allergy meds. Hopefully our days of sniffles and nights spent listening to him cough are over.

My favorite part of the boy's checkups is always the response these guys get from the drs and nurses. This dr calls them the smart brothers and praises them for their big brains. And one of the nurses today asked me if I was a school teacher because she was so impressed by how Ethan answered her questions during the eyesight and hearing test. (He was so cute. Whispering that he could hear the beep when it was a quite one.)

Unfortunately, the visit had to finish with shots. LOTS of them. I think that both boys hate being constrained even more than they hate the shots. So they start yelling at me the second I get their hands, and it turns to screams with the added pain of the shots. Unpleasant. Luckily Ethan is done until he's 11. Edward... he'll survive a few more.

Austin Singers Shameless Plug

Come see the Austin Singers! We're performing a collection of folk-songs arranged by John Rutter and a Haydn mass, with a chamber orchestra and wonderful soloists.

It's been fun (and a lot of work) to sing with this group. I can only hope that I'll be able to adjust my work schedule and be able to sing with them in the future. So just in case this is my only concert with the group, come hear us this saturday and sunday!

Saturday the 18th at 8pm, or Sunday the 19th at 4pm. Locations and ticket prices can be found here.

(For those of you in the ward - Tim Workman is the director. It's fun to see him in his element.)

Talking with Messy Boy

Just in case you missed this on John's blog---

Whirlwind

My typical day goes like this:
- Get up a little after the boys do and let John get out of the house
- Run errands, play, or if Edward's in a good mood, take care of some chores
- Lunch
- Put Edward down for a nap, Ethan in front of the Wii, and take a shower
- Get ready for work and sneak in another chore or two
- Hand-off the kids to John
- 8-hrs on my feet in the lab
- Come home and crash into bed

Working every evening is creating some problems that I'm not sure how to deal with. Notice two things. I only have time for a small handful of chores each day, and usually most of them involve loads of laundry or cleaning up after the last meal. And there is no down-time for me.

My house is becoming progressively messier and I just can't spend all weekend, every week, cleaning.

And I've started cutting back on sleep to get a few quiet minutes every day. Not a good solution.

I'm not complaining. I really enjoy my job and know that it's what I'm supposed to be doing right now. And part of the reason this job is right is because it allows me to be home with my boys for much of their day.

But after two weeks, I'm seeing that we're going to need to make some changes around here. It's been a whirlwind. I need to feel like I have my feet under me again.

Any suggestions?

Rain

It's been raining all week in our neck of the woods. From small showers to long thunderstorms to an exciting hailstorm. Did you know that I love rain?

I love the sound. The slaps of the drops as they hit. The rolls of thunder (that can go on for whole minutes out here!).

I love the visual. It's calming to watch, like the ocean waves. And although the sky is gray, it turns the grass and trees a brilliant green.

I love the nourishment. Our lawn is flourishing. (Remember how dead it was before?) Our trees are blooming. And our rose bushes are growing like weeds.

My Boys

As much as my boys get in the way of my desire to sit on my butt doing nothing, I can't help but love them.

Ethan has been so sweet lately. He's helpful and kind and says the most wonderful things. I hear that I'm cute several times a day, and he will always jump up to help me out as long as the request isn't ridiculous. I can't figure out why he thinks I'm so great, but he tells me all the time that he loves me. I must be doing something right! (Actually, I'm going to pat my husband on the back for this one. Ethan treats me the way John does. He's a great example to his boy.)

Edward is our clown. He's always figuring out new ways to make us laugh. My current favorite is how he yells"POOOOOOOP!" when he needs a diaper change. Most of the time everyone else gets in on it and we all crack up while yelling "POOOOOOOP!" (And there is the added bonus that he's easier to change when he's giggly!)

Can I mention my husband again? Not many husbands would be willing to be a single dad five evenings a week. Not only will John do it, but he'll be great at it.

I'm a lucky woman to have these boys in my life.

Obligation

Five rabbis recently visited Salt Lake City to visit LDS sites and learn about our church. The visited BYU, a temple that was open for tours, temple square, welfare square, and LDS Humanitarian services.

Afterward, they shared what they learned. Most of their comments are what I would have expected. They found more in common with us then they would have thought. They wanted to spend days at the Family History Center doing genealogy research. They were impressed with the organization of our welfare and humanitarian services.

But one comment jumped out and smacked me in the face.

Rabbi Isaac Jeret said "Volunteerism in the Mormon Church is about obligation rather than about choice. The choice is to become a member of the Church. But once one is, there's a sense of covenanted responsibility. One of the things we've lost is the sense that to volunteer is actually something that is an obligation, and to work — to do — is an obligation. It's really inspiring to see a community that has retained that core religious value."

I agree with him, but it's something I tend to forget. I made a choice to belong to this church. And with that I accepted an obligation to serve others. The majority of the service I render is through my calling and as a visiting teacher, but am I looking for other opportunities? Am I aware of the needs around me, or am I blinded by my own selfishness?

I'm going to mull this over for the next few days. And pray about it, obviously. There is something there I need to learn, but I'm not sure what it is yet.

A Job! A Job!

That's right. I'm going back to work full-time. Starting next week, I'll be the bread-winner around here. Same thing I've done before, in the lab, but at the central lab for a chain of clinics instead of a hospital.

We're excited to have some real money coming in again. And it will give John the chance to find the right job instead of something to just pay the bills and cover health insurance.

For those of you worried about the kids, I'll be working the 3-11 shift. I'll be home with them for most of the day. While John is contracting and job searching, he'll take over for me at about 2. When he needs to do something in the afternoons, or when he finally goes back to work, we'll only need to find babysitting for a couple of hours. So most of the time, the boys will be with one of us.

Honestly, as worried as I am about how I'll manage everything at home on this new schedule, I'm really excited. I'm looking forward to getting my hands dirty again. (Figuratively.) I've actually been feeling a little bit lacking as a mom. I'm not innately good at it and it's burning me out. The prospect of doing something that I'm really, really good at is energizing.

So that's the big news around here! I'm spending this last week of freedom getting ready. Making lists of easy and make-ahead meals that John can have on the table in under 30 minutes. Figuring out a new daily chores schedule for myself. Buying new scrubs. Finding out who would be interested in babysitting when we need it. (Anyone? We can't pay much, but our kids are fun!)

The transition is going to make for an interesting few weeks. Wish me luck!

Stinky Bacteria

John came home from his week-long innovator's road trip with some super-stinky clothes. Not dirty John stink. Anaerobe stink. (That's right you lab rats out there. This one's for you.)

One of the stops on their road trip was to a distillery. I'm not sure what innovations they were able to learn about at a distillery, but they did learn that making hard liquor is smellier than you'd think. Apparently, after the fermentation step, they need to clean the excess water they'd used. How, you ask? With anaerobes. The smelliest class of bacteria out there. I'm not sure how that makes the water cleaner...

John got in so late last night that he dropped everything by the door and went to bed. This morning when I sat down in the living room about five feet from the front door, I suddenly sat up and jumped into action. I could smell a nasty bacteria and I wanted it found and destroyed. I said "I know that smell!" And John replied "It's my jacket. From the anaerobe room."

Yikes! Needless to say, John's laundry did not wait another second. The suitcase will be disinfected too. I don't care if it's just the smell. I don't want even a single one of those bacteria in my house!

Stuck at Home

I've always considered myself a homebody. Typically, I'd rather be at home than go out. But not lately.

When we moved to TX, we sold our second car. We fully expected to buy another when we arrived, but ended up not really needing it. John had a regular ride to work and just didn't need a car. For the first time in many years, we were a one car family!

Now that John is unemployed, we have a problem. He spends most days meeting people, networking, going to events to meet other people, contracting, and generally being out of the house. It's great for the job search. If the market was better, John would be well settled in a new job already.

But it's not great for me. I've found that I liked to be a homebody when I could choose to stay home. To ignore the errands and invitations and just spend the day playing with my boys and making yummy things. Now that I'm stuck at home, I'm sick of being here. I'm sick of all the extra cleaning because we're always here to mess things up. I'm sick of the boys whining because they're bored and want to go do something. I'm sick of staring at the same walls everyday.

In Boston, at least we could have walked places. Moody street was literally a few steps away, with all of the fun shops and restaurants to stop at. The library was only a few blocks. And the train was close enough that we could get into the city without a car. (Not that I ever did, because I had a car. But I could have!)

Here in TX, almost nothing is in walking distance. The grocery store would be doable if there were sidewalks. But I'm not risking my boys lives by walking them along the edges of those busy main roads. And I don't need groceries!! I really want to go to IKEA so that Ethan can play in the kid room while Edward and I pick up some new measuring spoons. Such a minor errand. But it would help our day go more smoothly.

Oh! I'd better end this. I hear the whining from one and the mean voice from the other. I've resigned myself to yet another day stuck at home.

Edward During the Prayer

Everyone watches their kids during prayers, right? I love to see what they do. Tonight at dinner I got a particularly good show.

When everyone folded their arms, I glanced over at Edward. Usually, he's busy shoving food in his mouth. Not today. He pulled his little hands against his chest and scrunched his face down. Over and over during the prayer, Edward would pull his hands away, look at his palms, and then pull them back into position. Each time tucking his head down to look at his hands.

I could have watched him all day. Too soon the prayer was over and he moved on to eating. But I will never forget my sweet 14 month old son trying so hard to fold his arms.

89 Degrees

Have I ever told you that I hate being hot? I haven't? I HATE being hot. A perfect summer day for me is in the sixties. Maybe the low seventies with a nice breeze. No hotter. And yet, I let my husband drag me to Texas. I know I was the one to decide it, but he still had to drag me kicking and screaming.

Mostly because I HATE BEING HOT!!

Today it was 89 degrees. In February. I was sweating. In February. It's just not right.

I know that those of you back home in the northeast are just counting the days until spring. And you'd kill for a hot sunny day.

Not me. I want a snowstorm. Feet and feet of snow. I want to be all bundled up in my wool sweaters and comfy socks, drinking hot cocoa. I want it all! The ice storms. The shoveling. The below freezing temps! I miss the winter!!

And all of you Texans who are reveling in your "wonderfully warm" winter? You won't be enjoying those extra degrees come summer three figure temps, will you.

I'm so not made for Texas. Someone back east wanna trade? Please???

Ethan's Prayers

I mentioned that Ethan added to his prayers to keep the monsters away.

Tonight, I listened more carefully to what he said. And I was wrong before.

Ethan hasn't been praying for Heavenly Father to keep him safe from the monsters. He's praying for Heavenly Father to help him feel safe.

I think that Ethan's logical mind has always known that there weren't any monsters in his room. But his fear of the dark and of being alone made it hard to remember that. So my smart little boy started praying for what he actually needed. Not safety from non-existent monsters. Just comfort.

I need to remember to do that. Simply ask for comfort.

Man. I love that kid.

I'm not ready!

Edward has decided to have a developmental spurt of sorts. It's so amazing to watch, but it makes me sad. I'm loosing my baby!

Over the weekend, Edward finally decided that walking was better than crawling. He's been walking some for months, but he acted like it was too much work for most trips across the floor. All of a sudden, he went from rarely walking to rarely crawling. We're still amazed when he walks from room to room jabbering away at us.

And the talking! We realized that his large vocabulary has changed. In the past, he understood us, would mimic the word, and point to what we were talking about. He did independently use a few words, but most were repeats after we said them.

Now, Edward says quite a few things on his own. Mostly types of food. And he's constantly trying to learn new words when we label things for him. (I love listening to him sound out new words.) The hard part is that he doesn't have many consonants. We're learning to hear the subtle differences between banana, bottle, bread, cup, ball, done, down, etc.

He has also developed more non-verbal communication. Some are obvious to anyone. When he brings you his shoes and sweatshirt, he wants to go outside. When he makes huge head gestures, he's saying yes. (I have to get video of him nodding yes. I find myself asking him questions all day just so that I can giggle at his giant nod.) Then there are the less obvious. When Edward reaches out his arm, then smacks himself in the head, he wants you to give him whatever he was "pointing" at. How can you refuse a request like that!

This boy is cracking me up. (Boy! Not baby!) I want him to stop right here. No more growing up. It's not allowed. I'm not ready.