Mother's Day

Going into this mother's day, I was concerned about how it would go. This last week I've been feeling very inadequate at home. Missing the things I was able to do before. Like making dinner for everyone. And kissing Ethan before he goes to bed. And keeping a semi-tidy house. And being able to just hang out with my boys instead of rushing through life.

I've been feeling bad enough that I've had to fight back tears a few times at work when I would realize what I was missing at home. And to stab my heart a little worse, Ethan's prayer last night included a plea that mom not have to go to work anymore.

So you can see how I was afraid of talks about all of the wonderful things moms do for and with their kids. I was not emotionally prepared to sit through discussions of all the things I can't fit in at the moment. Part of me was ready to go home early instead of breaking down in church.

It was a wonderful blessing to hear talks from both a sweet mother and our child-less relief society president. They both spoke about how it's not a fancy dinner, or a tidy house, that makes you a good mother. It's the time you give your children. And the sacrifices you make.

I've finished today with a renewed sense that I'm being the best mother I can right now. That sacrificing some of my household duties, and even some of my time with the boys, is what they need. They need a safe home and food in their bellies. They need medical care. They need me to be making money.

It's been a surprisingly good mother's day. The chocolates and chance to send Edward to nursery didn't hurt either :)

How am I bringing beauty to my home?

I heard this question today. It made me stop and look around. Toys everywhere, basket of clean laundry in the middle of the living room, cluttered countertops, etc. I could go on for ages. Our house is a wreck.

But then my eyes took in my children. I helped bring so many smiles today. Man, I did a good job of making my home more beautiful.

Horrible Mother

Yes. I am going to admit my most horrible mothering moment. Mostly so that I can get you to share yours and make me not feel so bad.

Yesterday, I was a little stressed out by Ethan's state of mind after preschool and by the ridiculous dinner I was trying to make. I put Edward down for a nap and went to work on dinner while trying to keep Ethan from bursting into tears every other minute.

About thirty minutes into the nap, I wasn't thinking and turned on the food processor. It was so loud. I'm sure the neighbors heard it. So it woke up Edward. I heard him cry for a second and then a loud *thunk*. Then screaming. I ran upstairs and burst into his room to find him on the floor, crawling around while screeching his head off.

I'd been so distracted when I'd put him down that I'd forgotten to raise the side of the crib. He'd gone to stand up and launched himself over the railing. Poor guy. He was back to normal a few minutes later, but it was scary. I did a thorough check. Physically and neurologically he's just fine. But my trust in my own skills is suffering a little.

Tell me your most horrible mothering moment. Anonymously if you're reluctant to share. I need to be reminded that little slips are going to happen.

Loving Ethan

You may have noticed that the mention of Ethan in my last post was fleeting. He has been feeling neglected lately. Justifiably. It was part of what made our issues with Edward so hard. I would end every day knowing that I hadn't spent enough time or given enough attention to Ethan. That he was becoming more difficult because he was tired of taking care of himself. For months.

I am so proud of my big boy for holding up for so long. I'm so proud of him for daily dressing himself, getting his own snacks, playing by himself, and putting up with a mom constantly on edge. I'm so proud of him for not acting out inappropriately for attention, but simply asking for extra help and love.

Last weekend, Ethan went away for a few days. (Thanks Dad, Chris, and Bryson for entertaining him!). It's given us the opportunity to kind start over. Edward finally started sleeping during the day and put himself on a good schedule. I was able to recharge. And Ethan spent more time playing outside in four days than he had in the previous four months. We were all ready to try life together again.

What a difference! Edward is taking real naps. I'm not pulling my hair out. And Ethan has been a joy. Obviously he's still 3, so he's no angel. But because I can take a minute to sit down and explain why he can't run into the woods by the river or ram toy cars into my feet, he actually listens and obeys! (Until he's having too much fun and forgets a few minutes later. Ah, to be 3 again.)

Today was a wonderful day for strengthening our mother-son relationship.

We started with our preschool graduation picnic. We've had great days and miserable days in our mom-taught preschool and we finished on a high note. I made up little graduation certificates and loved the opportunity to kneel down, congratulate Ethan on finishing the year, and give him his first 'diploma'. It was also fun to finish by leading some of the games Ethan and his friends have loved over the year.

Later, towards the end of Ethan's nap, I was packing in the office. When he woke up, Ethan immediately wanted to help. (He is so excited about moving!) So I gave him a box and he "packed" his favorite toys. First went Buzz. Then lots and lots of toy cars. And finally blocks. Each one brought in the seat compartment of one of those push cars for beginning walkers. So dang cute!

My personal favorite today was our little tea party. (He initiated it, I swear.) We practiced pouring the tea without losing the lid of teapot. We sipped and stirred. We giggled. It was wonderful to play something that allowed us to talk and didn't involve crashing.

And finally, John was out tonight so I put down both boys. Ethan isn't thrilled about sharing a room with Edward at the moment, so bedtime can be emotional for him. He was having a hard time settling down and kept tearfully asking to hold my hand "just a little longer". After sitting back down on the floor to comfort him a third time (and becoming more annoyed), I asked why he needed me to hold his hand. Ethan looked up at me and said "Because it's so nice to hold hands, mama."

I've been worried that the very close connection I have with Edward would make the apparent distance between Ethan and I even larger. Even as an infant it was clear that Ethan would be closer to his dad than he ever would be with me. But today reminded me that we still love each other so much. That even when circumstances make it harder to maintain closeness, we aren't losing each other. Today, I couldn't love Ethan any more. What a great boy he is.

What I Did Today

I was going to post about all of the things I accomplished today. The rooms I cleaned, the laundry I did, the kids I bathed, etc. I was very proud of myself. Until I realized that the most important thing I'd done all day wasn't all the things I cleaned, but all the things that Ethan cleaned.

Yes. I said Ethan cleaned. I was in a "need to clean" state of mind, and Edward was napping well, but I realized that a bored or mischievous Ethan could be a stumbling block. One that trips me up many a well-intentioned day. So I knew I needed a better plan.

I'm not sure I can remember how I did it, but I got Ethan excited about cleaning with me. He helped pick up and vacuum the living room. He cleaned up his room with only minimal direction from me. He wiped down the kitchen chairs. He even "swept" and "mopped" the kitchen!

All that I managed to accomplish around the house today pales in comparison to what I was able to accomplish with my son. I couldn't be happier.

For some great advice on teaching your kids to work with you, see Lara's series of articles. I am truly amazed by what she has accomplished with her children.

Yaaawwn...

I feel like I'm stumbling through my days at the moment. Sooo tired. Edward is actually sleeping relatively well at night. It's the days that are killing me.

Edward is having more gas trouble and we have to fight for every minute of sleep he gets during the day. He has trouble staying down for more than 30min at a stretch and I spend many hours a day walking in circles to keep him from screaming. (Don't ask me why he can still sleep for longer stretches at night. I have no idea, but I'm grateful for it.)

And then there's Ethan. He's getting really tired of not being the center of attention, so he spends his days hitting, yelling, throwing things at me, and intentionally waking up Edward. (We know it's intentional b/c he'll ask us if it worked.)

My days are spent comforting one and disciplining the other. Both of which create the need to do more for the other one. I've been clenching my teeth so much that my jaw is killing me. If the boys don't ease up soon, I'll crack a tooth.

So, that's the update on the boys. Neither one is very happy right now. And it's exhausting.

Crying

Today, Ethan threw a monster tantrum. He cried hysterically for an HOUR! I think the problems were the car door, his cup of milk, and his shoes. Really, he was just overtired and has found this new way of expressing his frustration. After trying for 45 minutes to calm him down and get him ready for a nap, I left him to cry himself to sleep. (Which he did, and then slept for two and a half hours.) So sad and so frustrating. When he gets worked up, nothing will calm him down. It's like he blocks us out. At least there was no hitting involved today.

And then there's me crying. Clearly, Ethan is less of the little angel he used to be. But I could still see my baby in him, so I kept hoping he go back to being good. Until I had his hair cut. He doesn't look like my baby anymore. He looks like a KID! A kid who throws tantrums and is aggressive and hits. . . I cried about it last night as a watched him sleep. My sweet boy is gone and now I have this kid that I just don't know what to do with. (Weirdly, in public, he is even more shy than ever. So I get aggressive and ornery at home, and clingy when we go out and I can't carry him around. Never a break.)

Mom, I'm so sorry....

Found this woman's blog through her hilarious Ebay posting. She has 6 kids and the way she writes about her life reminds me of my mom. I kind of wish my mom had been able to blog while we were growing up because more people would know how funny she can be in the middle of chaos. Actually, I'm not so sure I would want all of our antics out there for anyone to read, but at least I was the good one...

Anyway, her blog reminds me of life with five crazy kids in the house. Never a dull moment. Mom, I'm so so sorry that you had to put up with us. Now that I have one of my own, I can see how absolutely nuts it would be to try to mother so many off the wall kids. Thanks for doing your best.

EDIT: I'm not saying that having lots of kids is crazy (well, maybe a little), but more that I'm amazed by the women who manage to do it. I'm pretty sure that all of my siblings are turning out to be decent human beings. That in itself is amazing. Good job mom!

Gotta Love This Boy

After Ethan recovered from our week of craziness, he's been the cutest kid!

Yesterday, I was cleaning in the kitchen and asked him to pick up some of his toys in the living room. He balked (of course), but then disappeared. When I looked in, he was just finishing the last of the three things I'd asked him to do! I mauled him with hugs and kisses and then we finished cleaning up the other toys together. Later, I was doing laundry and he wanted so badly to help. I pulled things out of the washer and he put them into the dryer. Then he threw an entire load into the washing machine one item at a time. Once that was done, he ran over and helped dad mix up the scrambled eggs he was making for dinner. Ethan used to be a little helpful, but lately has been more obstructive. (I'd even been thinking about instituting the rule that if he wants to be with me when I'm busy he needs to be helping.) This day of help was great.

This morning, I was woken up by Ethan, who promptly asked where the baby was. He couldn't see my stomach buried in the blankets and wanted to be sure he didn't jump on it. While I was finishing breakfast, Ethan asked to sit on my lap. Thinking this was the start of a clingy, miserable day, I grudgingly obliged. Nope. He wanted to check on the baby. He pulled up my shirt to poke at my basketball sized belly and ask if the baby was hurting me today. (It's still low enough that it's stretches and flips can be rather painful. Hopefully it will pop up soon and I won't grimace each time it moves.) We talked about seeing the baby tomorrow at the dr's (Yep, ultrasound is tomorrow!) We talked about how it would grow really big and then come out. We talked about mom going to the hospital to take it out after Ethan's birthday. We talked about it living with us and even about Ethan and the baby sharing a room. The boy is very enthusiastic about all of it. He is starting to understand a little, now that my belly is hard to miss. And just in case you were wondering what he wants, he says different things when asked directly, but he always calls the baby a "she".

G Diapers

Thinking about using G diapers with this baby. Some of the earthy benefits of a cloth diaper without being a cloth diaper. They have a cloth outer, a liner to keep the outer clean when diapers are messy, and use flushable inserts. I probably would only use one or two a day, and I wouldn't start until the Medium size (the small just isn't worth the investment with our big babies). Even if I throw away the inserts rather than flushing them, they are still so much more biodegradable.

Anyway. Still just thinking about it. Finances may determine that we stick to our Pampers, but I like the idea of these diapers.

We must have done something right...

We went out to dinner this evening with Grandpa G and Aunt Hannah. The check came, along with 5 little chocolate candies. We were busy talking and not paying attention to the boy. When Ethan noticed the candies sitting there, he picked them up. Walking around the table, he put one in front of each of us before sitting down to open his own. I swear. He didn't stick them in his pocket. He didn't stuff them all in his mouth. He shared them. With zero prompting. What a cute kid!

Day 3 - New Potty

The way that Ethan has been reacting to sitting on the potty is making it clear that we are pushing too hard. He really doesn't want to do it. So today I thought I'd try something new.

We went out and Ethan picked out a potty. We've been using one of those seats that fits on top of the toilet, mainly because I don't want to have to clean a potty. But if the boy will try it, so will I. It was hilarious to watch Ethan and his friend Mags fight over who got to sit on it. We ended up taking 1 minute turns for what seemed like an hour! They couldn't get enough of it. Although this was fully clothed, it's a step in the right direction.

So we'll back off on the underwear and asking so much, but we're going to make sitting on the potty part of our routine. It will probably be a fully clothed activity for a while. When he's used to it, we'll push a little more.

I refused just like this. It was because letting my mom change my diaper was so much easier. This is one of those times I wish he was a little less like me.

Day 2 - Someone thinks I'm Psychic

Could someone please tell my husband that I can't read his mind?

He apparently changed Ethan into underpants before leaving for work. I had no idea, so in my groggy state, I stumbled out to the couch and curled up for a little more sleep. Ethan was happily playing back and forth between the living room and his bedroom, so I slept for a little longer than I anticipated. Suddenly, I realize it's been quiet for a few minutes. Not a good sign. I hopped up, ran into his room and found him standing next to a wet spot on the carpet. "Mommy, I made a pee-pee." Yikes! Off to the bathroom for cleanup where I discover that peeing was not all he had done. Even Ethan was grossed out.

After another hour, we went to playgroup and then came home for a nap, so we've been in diapers. Hopefully we can have a better afternoon.

No More Diapers?

Ethan freaked out last friday when I mentioned that we were almost out of diapers, so he would have to start using the potty. He pulled out every diaper we had left to prove that we still had some. We used our last one Saturday night.

We're not actually going without diapers. He wore pull-ups to church and while sleeping until I could get to the store today. So now we have more. But he only gets to wear diapers during naps, at night, and when we go places mom doesn't want to deal with accidents.

Today, our first real day of potty training, wasn't as bad as it could have been. We stayed home all day so that Ethan couldn't just hold it until I put a diaper on him to run errands. He did manage to sneak a poop into his nap diaper (but I'm grateful for not having to clean it up off of the floor.) We had three accidents and no successful potty attempts. I was asking him every 5 or 10 minutes if he needed to make a pee-pee, but he always said no. When he did need to pee, he called me as he was going. (Thank goodness for training underpants that catch most of it.) It seemed like he wasn't really aware that it was coming, but John reminded me that he stops and poses before peeing in the tub, so he knows it's coming. I think he was just too busy playing to pay attention. He'll learn. And if it's taking too long, we'll switch to regular underpants so that the mess is bigger. (He didn't like that the pee could leak out and run down his leg.)

So, all in all, a good start. Lets just hope it gets better and not worse.

Who's the parent?

Ethan has been cracking me up today. This morning, he was sitting on the bench in the hall and we had this exchange:

"Ethan, get your shoes so that we can go to the grocery store."
"I can't mom, I'm in climb out!"
"Do you mean time out?"
"I'm in climb out, mom."
"Why?"
"Because I wasn't being nice. I was biting you at the store."
"Ok. That's a good reason."

After the grocery store, I was trying to unpack the food while eating my lunch. Ethan promptly yelled at me to "Sit down while you're eating, mom!" I quickly obeyed, because it is the rule. (We never yell, but maybe our stern voices need toning down.)

Finally, it was naptime. Ethan beat me into his room and sat down next to his little couch in my spot. He said, "Mom, I'm going to sit here and you can sit on the couch. I'll read you stories." So Ethan read me three books and then turned off the light so that we could take our naps.

I like when it's clear that Ethan understands the routine and the rules, even more when he does it himself!

If you hear grinding...

...it's my teeth. Ethan has decided that it's time to test our limits. ALL of our limits. We should have seen it coming. He's been inching up to it, but he hadn't really crossed the line until recently. Today it came to a head. (I should mention that this all happened after an ok morning and a good nap.)

First at Target, where I literally needed two things. It took us more than half an hour b/c someone decided that he needed rest breaks every few feet, that running away and hiding between the racks was a fun game, and that biting mom was a great way to pass the time. I finally managed to make it out, my two items in one hand and Ethan on my other hip, facing away from me to avoid being bitten. When we arrived home he was slightly annoyed that I refused to take him to the park, but decided dad would so it was ok. Apparently not a good enough punishment, so I also banned playing in the car in the driveway and TV. Many fits ensued. He was repentant and we'd talked it over by the time dad got home, so they did go to the park for a little while and then played in the back yard while grilling dinner.

Ah, dinner. Ethan flat out refused to fold his arms for a prayer (something he's been doing more and more often), so we decided no one could eat until we'd said the prayer, and we couldn't say it until we were all ready, i.e. folding our arms. This ended with me holding his arms so that we could eat. (We wouldn't have pushed this, but he's been folding his arms since he was 12 months old. This is just pure rebellion.) Then we had to enforce the rule about sitting at the table or sitting in time-out during dinner several times (and the one about sitting in your chair while you are chewing, even if it's your last bite.) By the end of a very tear-filled meal, Ethan had eaten only three bites.

We've also been fighting the "I don't want to do what you're asking, so I can't hear you" syndrome and the distraction tactics.

Our little angel is becoming quite the punk kid. Somehow I just can't get myself excited about doing it all again tomorrow.

Our new fight

Ethan doesn't really eat. I guess I've been trying to not notice, but while he was sick he really ate only a handful of bites a day. Now that he's improving, we decided to set some dinner time rules. First is one we've had all along. You don't have to like what's for dinner, but your only other option is PB&J. Second is the big one. Dinner time means you have to sit at the table. No playing with toys, no running around the house, no distractions. Ethan chose time-out rather than the table three times tonight. And didn't eat a single bite of dinner. I think I'm not going to give him his sippy cup tomorrow to make sure he can't fill up on milk. We're going to get this boy to eat if it kill us.

Ahhhhhhhhh........

Ethan is at Grandpa's house for a few days. He's loving it b/c his uncle Bryson (7) has just as much energy as he does. We're loving it for the above reasons. Don't call before 10am!

Indoctrination

While shopping at Target last week, Ethan decided it was time to sing. I love it! But I started to get embarassed when he chose to sing "Scripture Power" at the top of his lungs. After a few dirty looks, I wanted to shush him. But then I stopped myself. Should I be embarrased? Or should I be proud? I decided I was more proud, so when he asked me to sing along, I did! (Quietly.)

I've become aware of a movement (at least in the section of liberal America we live in) to let your kids make their own decisions. Great! I'm all for it! But for some reason, this movement involves not forcing the decisions that you've made on your children. I am constantly shocked by the people who are not teaching their kids about their religion at a young age. They say they are waiting until they are old enough to decide on a religion for themselves, and teaching them younger would be indoctrination. WHAT??? If it's indoctrination, I'm all for it. I can't imagine anyone learning to make good decisions without a firm moral grounding. One that religion is wonderful at teaching.

As I left Target that day, I realized that I was proud to smile back at the people giving me dirty looks. I am glad that my son already knows that he can gain power from the scriptures, and wants to tell everyone else. At least when I let him make his own choices, he'll know which ones are the good ones.