Grandpa G.

I'm in NY for a few days to attend my grandfather's funeral and spend some time with family. And in a way it's been fun to remember what an amazing man he was. (And still is.)

Here's an excerpt from his obituary to illustrate:

"Walt continued his studies at the University of California, Berkley, where his thesis advisor was Nobel Laureate Glen Seaborg, and was awarded his PhD in Nuclear Chemistry in May of 1956. After completing his PhD he served in the Air Force until 1958, when he moved to Basking Ridge, NJ to work for Bell Telephone Laboratories as a member of the Technical Staff. While at Bell Labs, he did groundbreaking research in semiconductor detectors, radiation effects, and ion channeling which led to the success of the Telstar satellite. In 1976 Walt moved his family to their home in Clarksville, NY where he took a position as the Chairman of the Physics department at the University at Albany, State University of New York (much to the delight of his children who thought it was funny that a chemist would be in charge of a physics department). He also held positions as the Acting Vice President for Research and Dean of Graduate Studies, and the Director of the Center for X-Ray Optics. His favorite professional title, though, was that of Distinguished Service Professor which he was awarded in 1988. In 1998 he co-founded X-ray Optical Systems and served as the Chief Technology Officer until his death. His latest research was in collaboration with the Alzheimer's Center of Albany Medical Center."

His professional accomplishments overlap a little with the man I knew through the many, many grad students and post-doc students he nurtured and took on as a part of his extended family. (Everyone was family to grandpa and was therefore worthy of a full measure of his love.)

What I left out of the excerpt above was his childhood and early adulthood. During those early years of his life, grandpa was a sheepherder, movie stunt-man, saxophone player in a jazz band, and even worked as a tour guide in the grand canyon where he was privileged to guide Ansel Adams. Oh how I'll miss the stories about his youth!

But one of my favorite memories is one that only a very few others share. Grandpa Camp. When all of the older cousins would be dropped off for what seemed like weeks. Maybe it was. We'd have free reign of the farm, including the giant climbing tree, and would end the day by telling grandpa about all our adventures. We'd clomp around the house in his clogs. He'd take us hiking on the nature trails nearby to look for salamanders. He'd take us to campus to poke around his office and swim in the big fountain. And he'd tell stories. So many stories.

I'm going to miss those stories. And the completely unconditional love he shared with everyone he met.

Mother's Day

Going into this mother's day, I was concerned about how it would go. This last week I've been feeling very inadequate at home. Missing the things I was able to do before. Like making dinner for everyone. And kissing Ethan before he goes to bed. And keeping a semi-tidy house. And being able to just hang out with my boys instead of rushing through life.

I've been feeling bad enough that I've had to fight back tears a few times at work when I would realize what I was missing at home. And to stab my heart a little worse, Ethan's prayer last night included a plea that mom not have to go to work anymore.

So you can see how I was afraid of talks about all of the wonderful things moms do for and with their kids. I was not emotionally prepared to sit through discussions of all the things I can't fit in at the moment. Part of me was ready to go home early instead of breaking down in church.

It was a wonderful blessing to hear talks from both a sweet mother and our child-less relief society president. They both spoke about how it's not a fancy dinner, or a tidy house, that makes you a good mother. It's the time you give your children. And the sacrifices you make.

I've finished today with a renewed sense that I'm being the best mother I can right now. That sacrificing some of my household duties, and even some of my time with the boys, is what they need. They need a safe home and food in their bellies. They need medical care. They need me to be making money.

It's been a surprisingly good mother's day. The chocolates and chance to send Edward to nursery didn't hurt either :)

Working Two Jobs

I've been avoiding talking about work. Not because I don't like it, but because I'm not adjusting as well as I'd like.

The paying job is great. The people I work with are intelligent and fun to be around. I enjoy the work.

The problem is that I can't give up my mom job. (Not that I want to, but you know what I mean.) John lets me sleep in a little, so I get enough sleep. But as soon as I'm up, I'm on the job. I have a 15 hour work day. 5 days in a row. Every week.

Those of you in TX, may have noticed that I've practically fallen off of the face of the earth. I apologize. Once we hit summer and I can get a mother's helper a few days a week, or some regular playdates lined up, I promise I'll pop my head into normal life a little more often.

For now just know that work is going well. But I'm exhausted.

Edward Introduces Time Out

Edward bit me today. It was accidental, but it really hurt. So I very firmly told him "NO BITING!" and put him on the floor. How does my sixteen month old react? Does he throw a tantrum? Does he get sad little tears? No way. He stood up and walked very deliberately to Ethan's time-out spot.

After the few seconds it took me to realize what had just happened, I walked over and gave him the after time-out talk. You know. "I love you, but can't blah blah blah." He jumped up and gave me a big hug. Just like Ethan has to be able to do before he can leave time-out. Then he walked away like everything was all better.

Freaky.

This boy scares me a little. Time-outs at 16 months?? I'm not sure I'm ready to raise this child.