Too Small

Today Edward said "Mom, you're too small for playground. You're too small."

Granted, the boy meant that I was too big and the playground too small. But it struck me that I haven't been too small for anything in quite some time. And that just seems weird.

Growing up, I was very accustomed to hearing "You're too small." It wasn't kids being mean. I really was too small for whatever kids my age were doing. Deficient growth hormone will do that. My mom rejoiced when I defied the doctors' predictions and not only made it close to 5 feet, but passed it during high school.

And I didn't stop! I'm a solid 5'3". Oddly enough, I'm still deficient. Could you imagine how tall I'd be if I produced normal amounts of growth hormone? I try not to think about it. I'm the shortest one of my siblings, and that feels right. Even as the oldest, I was always the little one.

That's why it struck me when Edward told me I was too small. I'm not too small. And I haven't been for years. Maybe it's time for me to change my mindset. I really liked being little. But if I could learn to enjoy being 30 (a whole post on it's own), I can learn to like being a normal size. (Height-wise at least. Even when I look thin, I'll never get used to the bigger number on the scale.)

Listening

As we've been particularly focused on pleading with the Lord for John to get a job, I've been thinking a lot about how I listen for an answer. Or really, how He speaks to me.

Usually, it's a gut feeling kind of thing. Something just feels right. We're in Austin right now because of one of those. The more I fight against those feelings, the stronger He makes them, until there is no room for doubt.

I've had physical experiences when He needed me to know right then that something was right. As in, punched in the stomach, knocked the wind out of me experiences. Went to BYU and married John because of those.

I've even had an audible answer. If you don't remember, I got my Edward because of it.

I received the strangest one yet last month. While I was in the shower, BEFORE going to the temple, I received a clear picture in my mind. Literally a picture. A picture that will be a comfort to me for the rest of my life. Couldn't even focus on what we'd planned to pray about at the temple, because this picture was reinforced for me the whole day. It didn't even answer the question I'd had. Simply put it in perspective. With a picture. (No, I'm not going to share. Probably ever.)

Finally, I'm becoming more aware that He's talking all the time. And part of me has been listening. All those little day-to-day inspirations as a mom and a wife that I'd taken for granted. That somehow I hadn't realized I'd been enjoying. I'm sure there's even more that I'm missing because I'm not listening as well as I could.

Gotta love those big answers, but it's the little ones that affect me every day. I need to focus on hearing those better. To work on being a better listener.

It's the next morning and I feel the need to clarify. I don't mean to brag that I've had all these memorable answers to prayers. Not at all. In fact, I'm a little bit embarrassed by how the Lord has to talk to me. Because apparently I miss the little messages. I just don't get it unless he "sends me a sign". So I need to work on being a better listener.

I must be crazy

Because I've been feeling like I don't have time to do anything for me, I decided to commit myself to something else. I've joined the Daring Bakers.

What does that mean?

Every month, a host (chosen from the membership) challenges us with something they've been wanting to try. The recipe is a secret for everyone but the membership until the end of the month when we all reveal how we did at once. It's a commitment because you have to participate nearly every month to stay a part of the group.

For September, we made puff pastry. Absolutely crazy. I've posted about how I did on my other, sorely neglected blog. So if you're interested in my massive failure, go check it out!

Challenge Update

So....

We've completely blown past the $25 a week. We were doing well until last night when John decided we were having an at home date night and picked up some things for a nice dinner. And then today Ethan and I picked up school lunch items. (Because he would have had some strange lunches otherwise.) And Sunflower market has 5 lbs of potatoes for 99 cents! (Starting tomorrow for you TX folks.) Gonna stock the freezer with some hash browns and french fries. Plus, a trip down to Sunflower means stocking up on a few things I can only find there. I don't make it down very often.

The plan for the next three weeks is to only buy milk and fruit. (Plenty of veggies in the freezer.) Barring great sales on items I need to stock up on, we shouldn't go too far over.

Budget Challenge

We've been living pretty frugally these last several (seven!?!) months. At the beginning we spent nearly nothing and managed to eek by when it came to the bills. Then with both unemployment and my job, we relaxed a little. Still not extravagant, but we aren't being as conscious of our spending as we should.

With the end of unemployment checks looming, we're trying to get ourselves ready. I've decided to attempt Owlhaven's sept grocery challenge. She has a family of 12 and it cutting her budget to $75 a week! (Really only possible because it's harvest time in her garden/farm.) For me, that's going to mean no more than $25 a week. I think I could do it with less, but this challenge is for me, not John. And that wonderful man does the majority of the cooking while I'm working. So I need to stay under budget while not making life too hard on him.

$25 a week isn't to bad for us at the moment. We have a large amount of dry goods in our food storage and a well stocked pantry thanks to food stamps back in the spring. Really, we only need milk, fresh fruit and veggies, and the occasional loaf of bread when I can't fit in making it myself. Plus a few odds and ends each week so that John doesn't have to spend lots of time every evening in the kitchen.

I think it's more than doable. Wish me luck!

Good Busy

I was just realizing how much I managed to pack into the last couple of days. I always feel like I fit in more when less of it is focused on things at home. Here's my last four days.

We attended the temple with some friends who were taking out their endowments and being sealed. I spent at least an hour each visiting three sisters who just needed someone to spend time with them. I spent a morning grocery shopping for a sister who is living on so much less than we are. And I babysat the adorable kids of a friend whose been sick for a while.

All while washing 8 loads of laundry, cooking dinner during a short morning at home, keeping the mess to a dull roar, making it to the tax office to register the van (finally), playing in the pool with my boys long enough to sunburn, working one of the worst shifts I've ever had (and another that was only marginally better), and getting enough sleep!

Ethan has just reminded me that I promised to play picnic with him before I attack the mountain of laundry that needs to be folded. So I'm off to start another busy day.

Mother's Day

Going into this mother's day, I was concerned about how it would go. This last week I've been feeling very inadequate at home. Missing the things I was able to do before. Like making dinner for everyone. And kissing Ethan before he goes to bed. And keeping a semi-tidy house. And being able to just hang out with my boys instead of rushing through life.

I've been feeling bad enough that I've had to fight back tears a few times at work when I would realize what I was missing at home. And to stab my heart a little worse, Ethan's prayer last night included a plea that mom not have to go to work anymore.

So you can see how I was afraid of talks about all of the wonderful things moms do for and with their kids. I was not emotionally prepared to sit through discussions of all the things I can't fit in at the moment. Part of me was ready to go home early instead of breaking down in church.

It was a wonderful blessing to hear talks from both a sweet mother and our child-less relief society president. They both spoke about how it's not a fancy dinner, or a tidy house, that makes you a good mother. It's the time you give your children. And the sacrifices you make.

I've finished today with a renewed sense that I'm being the best mother I can right now. That sacrificing some of my household duties, and even some of my time with the boys, is what they need. They need a safe home and food in their bellies. They need medical care. They need me to be making money.

It's been a surprisingly good mother's day. The chocolates and chance to send Edward to nursery didn't hurt either :)

Working Two Jobs

I've been avoiding talking about work. Not because I don't like it, but because I'm not adjusting as well as I'd like.

The paying job is great. The people I work with are intelligent and fun to be around. I enjoy the work.

The problem is that I can't give up my mom job. (Not that I want to, but you know what I mean.) John lets me sleep in a little, so I get enough sleep. But as soon as I'm up, I'm on the job. I have a 15 hour work day. 5 days in a row. Every week.

Those of you in TX, may have noticed that I've practically fallen off of the face of the earth. I apologize. Once we hit summer and I can get a mother's helper a few days a week, or some regular playdates lined up, I promise I'll pop my head into normal life a little more often.

For now just know that work is going well. But I'm exhausted.

Austin Singers Shameless Plug

Come see the Austin Singers! We're performing a collection of folk-songs arranged by John Rutter and a Haydn mass, with a chamber orchestra and wonderful soloists.

It's been fun (and a lot of work) to sing with this group. I can only hope that I'll be able to adjust my work schedule and be able to sing with them in the future. So just in case this is my only concert with the group, come hear us this saturday and sunday!

Saturday the 18th at 8pm, or Sunday the 19th at 4pm. Locations and ticket prices can be found here.

(For those of you in the ward - Tim Workman is the director. It's fun to see him in his element.)

Whirlwind

My typical day goes like this:
- Get up a little after the boys do and let John get out of the house
- Run errands, play, or if Edward's in a good mood, take care of some chores
- Lunch
- Put Edward down for a nap, Ethan in front of the Wii, and take a shower
- Get ready for work and sneak in another chore or two
- Hand-off the kids to John
- 8-hrs on my feet in the lab
- Come home and crash into bed

Working every evening is creating some problems that I'm not sure how to deal with. Notice two things. I only have time for a small handful of chores each day, and usually most of them involve loads of laundry or cleaning up after the last meal. And there is no down-time for me.

My house is becoming progressively messier and I just can't spend all weekend, every week, cleaning.

And I've started cutting back on sleep to get a few quiet minutes every day. Not a good solution.

I'm not complaining. I really enjoy my job and know that it's what I'm supposed to be doing right now. And part of the reason this job is right is because it allows me to be home with my boys for much of their day.

But after two weeks, I'm seeing that we're going to need to make some changes around here. It's been a whirlwind. I need to feel like I have my feet under me again.

Any suggestions?

A Job! A Job!

That's right. I'm going back to work full-time. Starting next week, I'll be the bread-winner around here. Same thing I've done before, in the lab, but at the central lab for a chain of clinics instead of a hospital.

We're excited to have some real money coming in again. And it will give John the chance to find the right job instead of something to just pay the bills and cover health insurance.

For those of you worried about the kids, I'll be working the 3-11 shift. I'll be home with them for most of the day. While John is contracting and job searching, he'll take over for me at about 2. When he needs to do something in the afternoons, or when he finally goes back to work, we'll only need to find babysitting for a couple of hours. So most of the time, the boys will be with one of us.

Honestly, as worried as I am about how I'll manage everything at home on this new schedule, I'm really excited. I'm looking forward to getting my hands dirty again. (Figuratively.) I've actually been feeling a little bit lacking as a mom. I'm not innately good at it and it's burning me out. The prospect of doing something that I'm really, really good at is energizing.

So that's the big news around here! I'm spending this last week of freedom getting ready. Making lists of easy and make-ahead meals that John can have on the table in under 30 minutes. Figuring out a new daily chores schedule for myself. Buying new scrubs. Finding out who would be interested in babysitting when we need it. (Anyone? We can't pay much, but our kids are fun!)

The transition is going to make for an interesting few weeks. Wish me luck!

89 Degrees

Have I ever told you that I hate being hot? I haven't? I HATE being hot. A perfect summer day for me is in the sixties. Maybe the low seventies with a nice breeze. No hotter. And yet, I let my husband drag me to Texas. I know I was the one to decide it, but he still had to drag me kicking and screaming.

Mostly because I HATE BEING HOT!!

Today it was 89 degrees. In February. I was sweating. In February. It's just not right.

I know that those of you back home in the northeast are just counting the days until spring. And you'd kill for a hot sunny day.

Not me. I want a snowstorm. Feet and feet of snow. I want to be all bundled up in my wool sweaters and comfy socks, drinking hot cocoa. I want it all! The ice storms. The shoveling. The below freezing temps! I miss the winter!!

And all of you Texans who are reveling in your "wonderfully warm" winter? You won't be enjoying those extra degrees come summer three figure temps, will you.

I'm so not made for Texas. Someone back east wanna trade? Please???

Smiles

After my little breakdown this morning (why is it the little things that you feel the most?), the boys worked hard to keep me smiling.

Edward, who has had a fever for the last day or so, spent all morning giggling away. I love that boy. Watching him talk animatedly with his toys made me smile. His crazy giggles when he caught my attention made me laugh. And his big "mmmmmAA" when I made a kissy face made me kiss him over and over.

Ethan sat down to show me each and every valentine he received today, and told me all about the cupcake he decorated. I love his excitement. He wrote letters for me on his white board and tried over and over to spell Mom. (He did get Mama.) I love his little furrowed brow. And he climbed up next to me while we played a game. I snuck in some snuggling while he happily beat me.

I really do have the greatest kids. (And they have never done this! Although that would make me laugh too.)

Emotional Day

You know it's going to be an emotional day when finding out that someone has paid the $2 for your son's pizza party at school makes you burst into tears.

Grateful

It's hard not to see how many things I have to be thankful for today. Now that I think about it, it could be hard. I've been without a husband for kid help and emotional support for more than a week (I'm dying here!) My grandpa spent Thanksgiving in the hospital while we had dinner at his house. I could complain about so many things today. But I just can't.

I'm grateful that I have a husband who is so wonderful with the kids, one who holds me up and allows me to do the things that make me happy. I'm grateful for happy, healthy, smart, fun, loving, and oh so adorable kids. I'm grateful that, after all these years, my parents are happy. I'm grateful for all that my dad's wife is doing to make sure grandpa is cared for. I'm grateful that, with the miracles of technology, grandpa was able to sit at the head of his table and preside over Thanksgiving dinner while still in his hospital bed.

And the smaller things. I'm grateful that I finally learned to make the yummiest rolls. I'm grateful that I know my mom's recipes off the top of my head and could bring a few family favorites to Thanksgiving. I'm grateful that my boys have slept through the night several days in a row so that I've been more rested. (And for their grandparents who happily get up with them in the morning.) I'm grateful for this computer that allows me to stay connected to my life, even when I'm away. I'm grateful for my cell phone that keeps me connected to my husband, no matter where we are.

I could go on and on. But these are the things that stood out to me today. I hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving.

I'm My Mother's Daughter

If you don't know my mom, then you're missing out. For many reasons. But one of them is extra nice for those around her. When my mom is having a hard time accepting something (loss of a loved one, for example) she bakes pies. Emphasis on the plural. We all know that you can tell how much mom loved someone by the number of pies she made when they died. There were times when we would have to invite everyone we knew to come eat because the entire kitchen table was covered with pies.

I think it's a great coping mechanism. I realized today that I bake when I'm stressed out. Why add something else to my list of things to do? Because you get yummy things afterward! It's nice to put in the effort and get a result you can enjoy. I'm not extreme as my mom, and I've branched out from pies, we still have a lot of yummy food. Right now, we have oatmeal cookies, apple crisp, funeral potatoes (you bake them...), and dough for sugar cookies chilling in the fridge. I may need to start giving some of this away.

The even bigger upside is my mood. Even with so much to do in the next three days, and completely different stresses involved with traveling and why I'll be in NY, I'm in a really good mood. I guess it's ok to be like your mom sometimes.

I think I'm going to be sick...

I went to the gym tonight. (Will someone please revive my parents? I'm sure they just fainted from shock.)

Anywho, the gym has a pool. And the membership is pretty cheap. AND they have free childcare. Can't wait to try that out next time.

I went to go swim some laps. It was pathetic. I was winded after the third lap or so. Total, I probably only swam for about 15 minutes. I can't believe how out of shape I am!! (Yes I can. I'm breathing hard after going up the stairs some days.)

On the way out, I had to keep telling myself not to throw up. My body really isn't used to exercise of any kind. Have you heard the term skinny-fat? It means you look skinny, but your muscles and heart are incredibly out of shape. That's me. Not that I'm skinny anymore. But I'm not overweight by any standard. I even got a few admiring looks as I walked by the weight machines. (Gotta remember to put my wedding ring back on next time.)

Ooo Ooo. The best part. I weighed myself. Really, that was the best part. Even fully clothed and with my sneakers on, I've lost more than 15 pounds since having Edward! Pre-pregnancy weight is only 6 pounds away. Maybe I can make it before he turns one. I'd deserve a party for that. With cake. And ice cream.

Man I want some ice cream.

Skipping Ahead - Grownup Halloween Party

I needed to skip ahead b/c I've already posted some pictures of this elsewhere and just wanted to bring on all the comments at once.

DON'T SCROLL DOWN TO THE PICTURE YET!

SERIOUSLY!!

YOU'LL RUIN THE SHOCK OF IT!!!

So, John's new company hosts a big Halloween party every year. It's always music themed. This year it was 80's Beat-Boxing. (Break-dancing.) Everyone was supposed to dress along those lines, or at least some kind of 80's pop music.

Ummm... yea. That's just not us. So we decided to branch out to other 80's music. After weeks of searching for the right costume ideas, I saw a comment somewhere about 80's goth-punk. That was it. The best costumes ever were born. You really need to click to see it larger.

So yes, we crashed their party. It was awesome. And honestly, we loved wearing these outfits. Both of us commented that our clothes the next day felt like our 'regular costumes'.

You know you want to borrow that wig.

The Geese is Getting Fat

Christmas is coming!!! Ten weeks away. Because I want to be able to enjoy the holidays, I always do my shopping early. I'm nearly done. Not kidding. I'll finish wrapping before Thanksgiving. (Go ahead and smack my husband for putting his part of the shopping off until the last few days. Slacker.)

It's hard to feel like it's even fall yet, with the temps still peaking in the 90s some days, and not an orange or red leaf in sight. (I did see a pile of ugly brown leaves underneath a brown tree the other day. I think it was "fall foliage", but it looked more like the tree was dying in the heat. It made me want to cry and catch the next flight to the northeast.) But I'm trying. It rained yesterday and today, so I made stew and pumpkin cookies. The boys and I cozied up at home and pretended cooler weather is coming.

Although it doesn't feel like time yet with the weather, I'm getting myself excited for Christmas. I LOVE Christmas. Decorating, music, yummy treats, wrapping, giving, playing Santa, . . everything. Do you think its too early to put up a tree?

I spent ages looking for video of Miss Piggy singing "Christmas is Coming". No dice. Even audio was hard to find. The beginning of the song is here. Enjoy! Its from one of my absolute favorite Christmas albums. Well worth downloading on iTunes.

10 things that made me happy today

10 - $2.95 gas. I was practically giddy.

9 - Crockpot dinner. No fighting to get dinner finished while kids are having their afternoon freak out.

8 - Rain. I love rain. And all the green things it brings.

7 - Gummy bears that have been open for awhile. Nice and hard, the way they should be. (Weird, I know. I also love hard marshmallows.)

6 - Edward playing independently for half an hour. Granted, he pulled out every bowl and pot in my kitchen cabinets, but I'm ok with that. A few minutes clean up was worth it.

5 - Snuggling with Ethan while talking about how to be more loving towards his baby brother.

4 - Pumpkin cookies. Yummm.

3 - Ethan banging spoons together to keep rhythm with his singing.

2 - Alone time with each of my boys.

1 - Edward snuggles.