Becoming a Smooth Stone

Things are looking up around here. (Very, very up. But more on that in the coming weeks.)

As we are finishing up this tough year and beginning new things, I've been particularly impressed to pay close attention to what we've been through. To see how each tough thing, no matter how small, polished off a rough edge.

Ethan asks me about the crosses on other churches on a regular basis. We always talk about how we don't celebrate the crucifixion, but the atonement and resurrection. Last week, it struck me exactly how different that makes us from other religions. We know that the plan we agreed to doesn't allow for the Lord to snap his fingers and make everything easy. The plan requires sacrifice, in many different ways.

Heavenly Father had to sacrifice his son to give us all the chance for eternal life.

Eve had to eat the fruit, sacrificing life in the garden of Eden so that the Lord's other commandment could be obeyed and we could all come to earth.

We've all chosen to sacrifice an easy life for the freedom of choice. To become the wondrous person the Lord sees inside, we have a lot of learning to do. And we all know that lessons stick when you've learned them the hard way.

So here we are. Coming out of a rough year. Feeling a little smoother. A little less rough.

Loving Ethan

You may have noticed that the mention of Ethan in my last post was fleeting. He has been feeling neglected lately. Justifiably. It was part of what made our issues with Edward so hard. I would end every day knowing that I hadn't spent enough time or given enough attention to Ethan. That he was becoming more difficult because he was tired of taking care of himself. For months.

I am so proud of my big boy for holding up for so long. I'm so proud of him for daily dressing himself, getting his own snacks, playing by himself, and putting up with a mom constantly on edge. I'm so proud of him for not acting out inappropriately for attention, but simply asking for extra help and love.

Last weekend, Ethan went away for a few days. (Thanks Dad, Chris, and Bryson for entertaining him!). It's given us the opportunity to kind start over. Edward finally started sleeping during the day and put himself on a good schedule. I was able to recharge. And Ethan spent more time playing outside in four days than he had in the previous four months. We were all ready to try life together again.

What a difference! Edward is taking real naps. I'm not pulling my hair out. And Ethan has been a joy. Obviously he's still 3, so he's no angel. But because I can take a minute to sit down and explain why he can't run into the woods by the river or ram toy cars into my feet, he actually listens and obeys! (Until he's having too much fun and forgets a few minutes later. Ah, to be 3 again.)

Today was a wonderful day for strengthening our mother-son relationship.

We started with our preschool graduation picnic. We've had great days and miserable days in our mom-taught preschool and we finished on a high note. I made up little graduation certificates and loved the opportunity to kneel down, congratulate Ethan on finishing the year, and give him his first 'diploma'. It was also fun to finish by leading some of the games Ethan and his friends have loved over the year.

Later, towards the end of Ethan's nap, I was packing in the office. When he woke up, Ethan immediately wanted to help. (He is so excited about moving!) So I gave him a box and he "packed" his favorite toys. First went Buzz. Then lots and lots of toy cars. And finally blocks. Each one brought in the seat compartment of one of those push cars for beginning walkers. So dang cute!

My personal favorite today was our little tea party. (He initiated it, I swear.) We practiced pouring the tea without losing the lid of teapot. We sipped and stirred. We giggled. It was wonderful to play something that allowed us to talk and didn't involve crashing.

And finally, John was out tonight so I put down both boys. Ethan isn't thrilled about sharing a room with Edward at the moment, so bedtime can be emotional for him. He was having a hard time settling down and kept tearfully asking to hold my hand "just a little longer". After sitting back down on the floor to comfort him a third time (and becoming more annoyed), I asked why he needed me to hold his hand. Ethan looked up at me and said "Because it's so nice to hold hands, mama."

I've been worried that the very close connection I have with Edward would make the apparent distance between Ethan and I even larger. Even as an infant it was clear that Ethan would be closer to his dad than he ever would be with me. But today reminded me that we still love each other so much. That even when circumstances make it harder to maintain closeness, we aren't losing each other. Today, I couldn't love Ethan any more. What a great boy he is.

2008 Resolutions

I'm exhausted. And I know I promised pictures. They'll make it up eventually. (I'm excited to show you 'Underpants Man' with his very unique superpower!) But you'll have to wait b/c they haven't made it from camera to computer yet. (Come on photos! You can do it!)

Anyway. I lied about not making resolutions. I think this is prompted more by the huge life-changes another baby creates than the new year, but thats ok. I've been thinking a lot about who I am and who I want to be. I have so many ways that I'd like to improve and they can all be summed up in one word.

Strengthen

I'm applying this physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel like I'm already on the right path in most areas, but need to keep progressing forward. And in the few things that need major adjustments, strengthening elsewhere will help me to make those course corrections.

I'm not going to give you any more detail than that. But I am going to spend this coming Sunday (tomorrow) focused on actually writing each of the things down and committing to the first steps on this journey.

Wish me luck! Or better yet, strength.

(Editor's note: I totally screwed up the font while typing this and a glitch in blogger wouldn't let me fix it with their pull-down options, So I bravely dove into the HTML and, as you can see, fixed it myself!! I know that several of you are rolling your eyes, but hey, this is a big deal to me.)