As long as I don't have to pay for it...

Ethan: "When I was a teenager I'm going to wear a teenager shirt."

Me: "What's a teenager shirt?"

E: "It's red. Like my red car."

M: "You have a red car?"

E: "When I'm a teenager I'll have a red sports car."

M: "Who's going to buy you a red sports car?"

E: "I'll buy it."

M: "You're going to get a job and buy a red car when you're a teenager?"

E: "Yup. I'll go to work and buy a red car. When I'm a teenager."

3000 Visitors!

And that doesn't count the people who use the rss feed. Who are you???

Why Are We Moving???

I had to ask myself that this morning after yet another wonderful visit with our pediatrician. I LOVE him! Today he celebrated with Ethan for wearing underwear to bed, gave hugs all around (before we remembered we'd be back next week), and gave us TWO CASES of formula! It was just another reminder to me of everything and everyone we're leaving. And a few of the reasons it's time to go.

- All of the friends we've made here over the years. We've made so many b/c of the turnover in our ward. It's finally our turn to contribute and not just miss everyone who left us behind. And we'll all stay in touch, even if it's mostly through blogs!

- Our AMAZING ward. This ward is like a training ground. It functions exactly like the Lord intended. Each member is cared for spiritually, physically, and emotionally, and contributes to the care of everyone else in their own way. Not a simple feat when nearly half your membership changes each year! We'll never be in a ward quite like this again, but it's time for us to put some of what we've learned to good use.

- The wonderful doctors I spent years finding. Literally years. Just the perfect combination of top-notch medical skill and friendship in both our pediatrician and my OB. How can I stand to leave them? I don't know. This is one of the things that I'm hating about this move.

- Boston. Oh, Boston. How we love the culture and history. And hate the traffic and city life.

- The trees of the Northeast. I've written about how much I love trees before. They just make me feel alive. I hope Austin has enough for me.

Those are the big things for me. Why I'm both excited and not so much about this move. If you ask me about how I feel, it'll depend on the day. Or minute. Right now I'm already missing our pediatrician, so I don't want to go.

For the grandparents:
I know I can't leave out how Edward's 6 month dr's appt went. He is doing great developmentally, dutifully showing the dr all of his tricks. Like holding his own bottle. And trying to roll off of the table.

Growth is slowing down, but not enough to worry. He's at 17 pounds, which is 50th percentile. Down on the charts, but so is his height. He'll hit a growth spurt soon enough. I think he may have the shorter J genes. We'll just have to wait and see!

Sleepers

Wow. My boys may be demanding when they're awake, but when they sleep...they sleep.

Ethan has always been an amazing night sleeper. Even as an infant he didn't wake up much. He hasn't been napping lately (which I HATE!), but it means that by bedtime he is so ready. His routine is short and sweet and then he's out like a light. Fabulous.

This evening we kept our big boy awake a little late. (You don't want to know why. It was gross.) By the time we kneeled down for family prayer, Ethan was curled up on John's lap. For the first time in months he let someone else say the prayer. Only a few minutes later, he was sound asleep. And he'll sleep until his clock says 7. How great is that!

Edward finally started napping on a semi regular schedule. He takes two 2 hr naps during the day, with the weird quirk that he's awake for a while in the middle of the first one. Bizarre. And at night, he's is only waking up once. We've even had one night when he didn't wake up at all!!

Our adorable little guy has some funny sleeping requirements. First, except for rare occasions, he will only sleep on a flat surface. Not in the car, not in our arms, only in a crib or (in a pinch) on the floor. Second, he needs his pacifier in his mouth. That one's normal. Third, he has to be holding on to something. A blanket, a toy, anything. He just needs something in his hand. I think it may even be his right hand, but I'm not sure. And fourth, his face has to be covered. He started this on his own, but we quickly caught on. Put him in bed, put a blanket over his head, he rolls onto his side and falls asleep.

I wish I could have taken a picture of Edward they way he fell asleep in the car this morning (again, a very rare thing). He had his pacifier in his mouth, he was holding on to his toes with one hand, and he was holding his hanging toy up against his eyes with the other. So him. He really is an angel when things are just right.

Best argument I've heard

"If you need drugs or alcohol to "have a good time," you aren't having a good time, the drugs are. They're using your body and your brain to do it, but you and your mind aren't even invited to the party." -Orson Scott Card

Photographer Shout Out

My photographer friend Liz had a photo shoot with the boys a few months ago. She did such an amazing job that it's taken me this long to decide what to have printed. (The printer she uses also does amazing work. The photos look so much more wonderful in person.) If you're looking for a photographer in the Boston area, or possibly UT if you could convince her to work while vacationing, check her out here.

Here is a very small sample of our favorites. More of Ethan b/c he's just so photogenic.

Counting

The Wink

Those eyelashes just make me melt

And our little guy, who loved having his picture taken

EDIT: The pictures seem to be visible now. I'm not sure why though, b/c I didn't get rid of the code Blogger stuck in. Weird.

Ethan's reading of the scriptures

"Once upon a time, there was a dragon and a dinosaur. They were going into the forest to find three little sticks. They needed more dragons to find more big sticks. And then there was a good dragon and a mean dragon and they were nice to someone."

I bet the scriptures would be more exciting for little boys if they were about dragons...

It's Official!

We are actually moving. Job be damned! After John spent quite a long time job searching, we decided that we need to be where the jobs are. (In the current economy, everyone is trying to hire locally to save money.) So after reviewing our options, we're going to....AUSTIN, TX!!

Yes. I did actually say I'm moving to the country of Texas. I'm scared for me too. But like I keep reminding John, Austin isn't like the rest of the state. My east coast ways may kind of fit in there. At least that's what I'm told. I've never been there! This is a giant leap of faith for me, but I feel really good about it. WE feel really good about it.

We'll be packing up the truck the last weekend in June and heading out July 1st!! If you happen to live along our route, let us know and we'll stop by to visit. We'll be going from here to DC to stay with friends for a day or two, then through Virginia, Tennessee, Arkansas, and finally northeastern Texas.

As stressful as moving our entire lives in 4 weeks is (FOUR WEEKS!!! AAAAAAAAAA!!!), we're really excited. The area looks beautiful. (They have trees! Lots of trees!) The schools are good. (Always a concern when leaving the northeast. - Yea. That's right. We're snobby and proud of it.) And we can rent a large house for less money than the average apartment out here. We won't be going larger than we need, but I was expecting to have to bend on what I wanted and I won't need to at all! Yea for 3 bedrooms, a two car garage for the extra storage space, and a fenced backyard I can watch over from the kitchen and living room!!

(Wow, this post has a lot of exclamation points. Excited much?)

Ok. Back to packing.

Loving Ethan

You may have noticed that the mention of Ethan in my last post was fleeting. He has been feeling neglected lately. Justifiably. It was part of what made our issues with Edward so hard. I would end every day knowing that I hadn't spent enough time or given enough attention to Ethan. That he was becoming more difficult because he was tired of taking care of himself. For months.

I am so proud of my big boy for holding up for so long. I'm so proud of him for daily dressing himself, getting his own snacks, playing by himself, and putting up with a mom constantly on edge. I'm so proud of him for not acting out inappropriately for attention, but simply asking for extra help and love.

Last weekend, Ethan went away for a few days. (Thanks Dad, Chris, and Bryson for entertaining him!). It's given us the opportunity to kind start over. Edward finally started sleeping during the day and put himself on a good schedule. I was able to recharge. And Ethan spent more time playing outside in four days than he had in the previous four months. We were all ready to try life together again.

What a difference! Edward is taking real naps. I'm not pulling my hair out. And Ethan has been a joy. Obviously he's still 3, so he's no angel. But because I can take a minute to sit down and explain why he can't run into the woods by the river or ram toy cars into my feet, he actually listens and obeys! (Until he's having too much fun and forgets a few minutes later. Ah, to be 3 again.)

Today was a wonderful day for strengthening our mother-son relationship.

We started with our preschool graduation picnic. We've had great days and miserable days in our mom-taught preschool and we finished on a high note. I made up little graduation certificates and loved the opportunity to kneel down, congratulate Ethan on finishing the year, and give him his first 'diploma'. It was also fun to finish by leading some of the games Ethan and his friends have loved over the year.

Later, towards the end of Ethan's nap, I was packing in the office. When he woke up, Ethan immediately wanted to help. (He is so excited about moving!) So I gave him a box and he "packed" his favorite toys. First went Buzz. Then lots and lots of toy cars. And finally blocks. Each one brought in the seat compartment of one of those push cars for beginning walkers. So dang cute!

My personal favorite today was our little tea party. (He initiated it, I swear.) We practiced pouring the tea without losing the lid of teapot. We sipped and stirred. We giggled. It was wonderful to play something that allowed us to talk and didn't involve crashing.

And finally, John was out tonight so I put down both boys. Ethan isn't thrilled about sharing a room with Edward at the moment, so bedtime can be emotional for him. He was having a hard time settling down and kept tearfully asking to hold my hand "just a little longer". After sitting back down on the floor to comfort him a third time (and becoming more annoyed), I asked why he needed me to hold his hand. Ethan looked up at me and said "Because it's so nice to hold hands, mama."

I've been worried that the very close connection I have with Edward would make the apparent distance between Ethan and I even larger. Even as an infant it was clear that Ethan would be closer to his dad than he ever would be with me. But today reminded me that we still love each other so much. That even when circumstances make it harder to maintain closeness, we aren't losing each other. Today, I couldn't love Ethan any more. What a great boy he is.

15 minutes

That's the average length of Edward's naps. On occasion I'm lucky and get 20 or 25, but not very often. How much can I get done in 15 minutes? It's just long enough to pee, get Ethan whatever he's spent the last twenty minutes begging for, inhale a snack, and MAYBE fold half a load of laundry. Not a whole lot.

And the rest of the day? Much of it is spent just feeding Edward. Although we switched him entirely to formula so that he would actually fill up and thus eat less often (Thanks John!), he'll take 45 minutes to finish his bottle. So lets optimistically say he eats every three hours or so. That's 45 min of eating, at least 15 squirming around before deciding he's tired and zoning out, another 10-20 falling asleep, and then 15 min asleep. That leaves an hour and a half when he should be awake, happy, doing his 4 month old stuff, right?

I wish. Because I'm not nursing him anymore, Edward is afraid I'm going to abandon him. In his perfect world, I'd hold him 24 hours a day. I wouldn't mind so much if he took decent naps, but... We've had to compromise. I can put him down for a while, as long as I stay within two feet of him and in his direct line of sight. If I leave that tiny zone, or just don't look busy enough to not be holding him, my ears are assaulted by the screaming. It's a new scream he's developed, just for me. Edward's strict requirements mean that I move him around from room to room, and from spot to spot, every few minutes so that I can get things done. My side of the deal? At least once a day, I get to let him scream. Yup. Maybe for a quick shower, or to eat, or to clean something I don't want him that close to. All with the wonderful screaming ringing in my ears.

Ultimately, it's working better that the previous method - holding him all day while only managing minimal housework and becoming depressed about how I'm neglecting every single aspect of my life. At least I get those 15 minutes. Three times day.

Big Announcement for Grandma!

Just kidding. We have a history of calling our moms with big news on Mother's Day. Our engagement and both pregnancies have fallen at just the right points to surprise our moms with them. This evening, I checked my site meter and discovered that my mother-in-law checked my blog 4 times in the last 24 hours. Hoping for some news Grandma J?

Sorry that I don't have anything big this year. Only that your grandkids are growing up so fast I can barely keep up. And many thanks for raising such a great son yourself. I can't imagine being a mom to such crazy boys without him by my side. Happy Mother's Day!

Walking for CF

Most of you know that our Edward is named after a friend of mine. Ed passed away several years ago after fighting Cystic Fibrosis for 23 years. He changed the way I see life and how I choose to live it. Oddly enough it was John, who only met Ed once or twice, that wanted to name our next boy after him. I'm going to let him explain why on his blog. (nudge, nudge...)

During Ed's life, the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation made sure that he had the best, most cutting-edge care and support available. Obviously, they not only support CF research, but they strive to improve the quality of life for those suffering from the disease.

On May 17th, John, the boys, and I will be joining Ed's family and friends in a GreatStrides walk to support the CF Foundation. We've already donated the amounts we committed to raise, but because we've seen up close what life with this disease is like, we're asking for your help. No pressure. But if you're so inclined, every small donation can be a big help. You can donate online by going here for me, or here for John. Or get a donation to us by May 16th and we'll take it with us to the event. (A surprising number of companies will match employee donations, so check at work!)

Good Things

I haven't been writing much about the good lately. Even with the misery, we've been having a lot of good around here. Here's a few.

John and I, because the baby keeps us on a weird schedule anyway, have been making time late at night to talk. Having two kids with very different needs makes us miss 'us', so it's been good to take some time to reconnect. Even if it means missing out on a little more sleep.

My recovery this time around was SOOOO much better, meaning I've been able to enjoy having a baby. I've never been a baby person, but I just can't get enough of Edward. Even with his issues, I'm already sad that he's growing up. (For anyone who's wondering why I mention my recovery 4 months out, it was really that bad last time. I don't really remember what Ethan was like until he was about 6 months old. So I'm soaking it all in this time. Maybe in the future I'll write about what I learned from those months.)

Edward, when he's not in pain or overtired, is the sweetest and most happy baby I've ever met. He is a huge flirt, is always ready with a big grin or giggle, and could not possibly love me more. Makes getting through the rough spots a whole lot easier.

Ethan, although he is a typical 3 yr old boy (read: CRAZY!), is so much fun. My favorite thing is his singing. We listen to a super-old Janice Kapp Perry tape in the car and Ethan knows most of the songs really well. I absolutely love to hear him belting out "Jesus understands MEEEE!" and "Who will preach the gospel? I will!" everywhere we go.

And I decided to mess with my favorite cookie recipe and made it even better! I'll post it below for those of you who asked about it. Mmmm. I might need to make some more tomorrow.

The Cookies

Oatmeal Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 cup butter, softened
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup peanut butter for a very mild flavor. Add more if you want it stronger.
1 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 1/3 cups oats (quick or old fashioned)
1 1/3 cups chocolate chips

Heat oven to 350. Beat together margarine and sugars until creamy. Add eggs, vanilla, and peanut butter. Beat well. Add combined flour and baking soda. Mix well. Stir in oats and chocolate chips. Drop by rounded tablespoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 9-11 minutes or until starting to brown on bottom. Cool 1 min on cookie sheet. Remove to wire rack. (makes about 4 dozen)

We're Doing Better

I don't want to jinx it, so no details for now. Just know that we're doing better.

Thanks to everyone who had kind, supportive words. And to Tamara, whose giggles reminded me of how ridiculous I looked teaching the visiting teaching lesson with a screaming baby in my arms. (It was a classic LDS mom moment.)

Barely Concious

That's me. I probably shouldn't try to do anything like driving, or cooking, or child-care. Man. Life needs to stop for a while and let me get some sleep. Last night, I was up with Edward twelve times. TWELVE TIMES!!!

Edward has been slowly deteriorating. Each time we increased his dose of Zantac, the benefits faded more quickly. But because reflux is supposed to peak at 4 months old, I figured I could ride it out. (Someone hit me the next time I think something so stupid. Please?) Peaking means that it's at its worst and will then take several more months to improve. That means sleeping and eating issues for several more months.

Enough is enough. So we had a nice long chat with the dr today. Edward is still managing to grow and gain weight. But his weight gain is just on the edge of not enough. He also has every single one of the odd little reflux symptoms. Spitting up, not sleeping, constantly sucking on anything, back arching, a persistent head-tilt... (That last one is improving, but could mean physical therapy if he doesn't do it on his own.) There have also been a couple of signs that it all may be caused by a food allergy.

We're going to try quite a few things.

First, we're switching to Prevacid. More expensive and harder to give, but it shouldn't lose its efficacy like Zantac did.

Second, adding solids should help with the weight and the sleeping.

Third, I'm going to do some stool testing at work that could confirm an allergy. (If the dr sends it to his lab, we would have to pay for it. So we're taking advantage of my job. Plus it gives us an easy reminder to touch base when I call the dr with the results.)

Fourth, I'm going stop nursing on demand and put the boy on a schedule. This means he'll nurse MUCH less often. Seems backward, I know. But he's using it purely for comfort too often, and stimulating his stomach to make more acid.

And fifth, the biggest, a modified Ferberizing. I've been nursing him to sleep, so he doesn't know how to comfort himself when the pain wakes him up. So we are instituting a bedtime routine and putting him to bed awake. Normally, the Ferber method would have us leave him alone in the crib, but he's too young. So we'll stay next to the crib and sooth him however we can without picking him up. It'll be miserable. But hey. I was up twelve times last night. I know miserable.

Thats our little guy for now. John has been managing more sleep than me b/c he can't nurse Edward. But I'll be recruiting him for these new efforts so that he can share in my zombie-like ways. Hopefully things will improve soon.

My Snuggly Boys

John has always been snuggly. (Don't be getting any ideas ladies!) But Ethan and Edward just aren't the snuggliest of guys. Ethan is good for a short hug on occasion if I make a sad face or when he's hurt. But I'm not his dad, so I don't get much else out of him. And Edward, who is such a mama's boy that he screams when even John holds him, would rather look around at the world or eat my shoulder than give me some real lovin'.

Last night, Ethan wasn't feeling very well. (My fault. I'd used the wrong sunscreen on him and he broke out in a nasty rash.) Even with the Benadryl, he wasn't sleeping well and came into our room several times. Usually, John walks him back to bed and he goes right back down. But last night, as soon as John would get up, Ethan would climb into his spot and snuggle up against me. He doesn't even remember waking up, but I loved those few minutes of snuggly Ethan.

Edward has been sleeping better. Not great. Just better. Once he's down for the night (those few hours when he fights it are the worst of the entire day) we do ok. But it's the naps that are still an issue. Rarely does he sleep longer than 30 min. I'd be able to rock or nurse him back to sleep if I didn't have a 3 yr old who is getting really sick of not yelling or stomping (or spitting or shrieking or....) while his brother is trying to fall asleep. (Edward is also realizing that he doesn't like to be dragged around to Ethan's activities all the time. What fun is the park or a museum for him?) So Edward is tired and cranky a lot. Not all the time, but a lot of it. Today, he was tired without being cranky. And this meant I had my first intentional snuggle! He layed his head down on my shoulder and tucked his little face into my neck. Didn't last long, but it felt so nice.

It may not be often, but I love when my boys are snuggly.

General Conference

What I loved about last week's General Conference.

(If you're not LDS, most of this won't make any sense. Email me or leave a comment and I'll gladly explain any of it, if you'd like.)

1 Standing in solemn assembly both with the women of the church (Picture all of them, all over the world, standing together. So much strength.) and with my family.

2 Tearing up while Ethan, so excited to sustain our new prophet, stood with each and every quorum and raised his hand as high as he could.

3 The overall theme of sustaining the prophet. Loved Pres. Monson's story about the statues of Christ's disciples as reminder that he and the apostles are their latter-day equivalents.

4 The parenting lesson that was disguised as the Saturday Morning session.

5 How obvious it was that the mantle had descended on our new prophet. Still so him, but even more powerful.

6 I was touched by both Pres Packer's and Pres Monson's mention of their wives and how they never complain. After reviewing all of the talks and topics in my mind, these two off topic comments struck me more than anything else. I have a very hard time with people who are negative about life. But I'm one of them much too often. I've spent this week focusing on being more positive and life is just better.

Babies, babies, everywhere!

Baby Lucas

Baby Leah

Can't wait to meet these two beautiful babies. Good job mamas!

Lots of love to everyone else who's expecting. I ran out of hands trying to count you all!!

Changing My Focus

You may have noticed that my blogging has been slowly changing. I started this blog for our extended family, purely so that they could keep up with Ethan. Overtime, more and more of ME has been creeping in. And I like it.

I don't keep a journal, and we don't take nearly enough pictures. But these words give a pretty good idea of our life. My life, and that of the rest of the family. So I'm going to continue writing whatever craziness I feel like sharing, with the addition of some posts about me, purely for my boys.

I am actually working on having a book printed for each year of my blog (3 so far) and one for each year of John's (5!). We're really excited about having this record to pass on to our kids.

(For anyone who's interested, I'm using Blurb to put together and print the books.)